Maybe You Were Needed Up There

There's just this pain of losing you. A fear of it happening again. It's always there; every single day. I hope you know that we loved you and we prayed everyday for you. You were taken from us at 3 months unborn. In one month, you would have come into this world. We would have given you more love than you ever needed. We would have kept you safe. 

"You were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life. Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why."

Many moons have passed since March. This road has been so long and painful. The fear that I can't do my womanly duty of producing life. The hope that "this is the month", and the heartache that followed every two week wait. This process has been so painful and frustrating.

This cycle was different. I took matters into my own hands. My uterus and I had a nice long chat. I tested religiously for ovulation. 

I got blood work done. I charted. And let me tell you how beautiful my chart looks! I nailed my ovulation, my temps rose and I commenced the dreaded Two Week Wait.

Admire in 3....2....

Somehow, this happened on 11DPO:

This pain and fear is rearing it's ugly head again. I am scared to death.

It's time to tell your daddy:

I am not sure if I should be over the moon just yet. Oh God, please don't take this baby. Am I a fool for holding on so tight? I don't want to go through the pain again. One angel baby is one too many for us.

To my unborn baby: I will do everything I can to keep you safe and healthy. I will protect you and love you. I can't wait to have you wrap your little fingers around mine. You'll be alright, I promise to hold you tight. 

I am guarded but so happy. You are needed right here on earth so please stay.

Title Credit goes to Small Bump - Ed Sheerhan

How do you start again when the whole world ends?

It's been awhile. I've been emotional. Let's get to it.

2 Topics today: Miscarriage and Funerals

It won't be as dark as you think, I promise. Get out your Spotify, folks.

Miscarriage

I suffered one in March. I was 12 weeks along and I feel like my heart was ripped out. Why does this happen to so many of us and how can we move on from it? I guess we don't and won't know. I sure am thankful for my daughter, she really is a blessing. Now, 5 months later, we're putting the pieces back together and trying to get our baby. This has not been easy at all. I feel like all I see is pregnant woman all around me saying "I wasn't even trying! How surprised are we?" Yeah yeah, I get it, I'm broken. Okay, that is dramatic but I feel broken. I have this job, as a woman, to reproduce. How in the world did I fail at that? If you've had a miscarriage, you get these feelings. There are plenty of blogs about miscarriage, blogs that are more well written and beautiful than mine. I wanted to write this up for one reason; a song. A friend of mine sent this song to me and although it makes me cry every time, I just find it helpful . 

Title credit goes to Tyrone Wells - The Most

Second Verse:

Midnight I'm fast asleep

2,000 miles away from you

you're crying as you bleed

You wake me up and break the news

how do you start again

when the whole world ends

there's nothing that makes this right

but I'm on my way tonight

I'll be here

When you need me, when you need me, 

when you need me the most

when you need me, need me the most

I'm always here for you, 

no you are not alone

When you need me, when you need me, 

when you need me the most.

Funerals

This was sparked by 'Six Songs of You" project. Here are mine. It took FOR-EVER because I have about 10 songs for each category. The Funeral song really stumped me. Do I want people to be sad? Do I want people to celebrate me? What the most general funeral song? Truth is, I want people to hear the lyrics and I want them to think of me. I actually had a few songs for this category because, well, they speak to me. I still remember my grandma's funeral. My grandpa said to me "Jess, I need one thing from you. Please find me your grandmas tape of Wind Beneath My Wings -  Bette Midler, I need to play that at her funeral." Of course he did, she loved that song, no other song would have fit. It was played at her funeral and to this day, I can not hear that without thinking of her. 

I went through a few songs before finding the perfect one for this category, I want that lasting legacy. Something for the people I leave behind to hold on to:

Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World

Breathe Me - Sia

Angel -Sarah MacLachlan

Walk You Home - Karmina

If I Die young - The Band Perry

Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Gary Allan

I had a few more but none of them were really 'me'. After all, that was the title of the project. I thought real hard. Wherever You Will Go - The Calling. I adore this song, I have adored this song ever since the day it came into my life. This is the song, it's beautiful, it has to be this song. Now, I'm not planning on leaving this earth anytime soon, but when I do, play this at my celebration.

Sticking to this same project, a few other notable mentions:

• I've already blogged about In My Arms - Plumb, I picked my grand finale song based on my daughter. No question, this song is me, she is my world.
• The Perfect Love Song? It's tough, there are some really great ones out there that make me think of my husband but none more than the winner of this category. Your Body is a Wonderland - John Mayer was in there for awhile. Also, The Only One For Me - Brian McKnight.
• Let me add a happy note to finish this off. I can't even pick one single song that makes me shake my butt. There's a playlist for that.

Click ALL the links! Enjoy your new playlist from the mind of Jessica.